Ash Wednesday is next week! I've been trying to get back into the swing of being Catholic. It may seem strange to say that, but I have struggled the last 8 1/2 years. Divorce and Catholic do not go together. I never thought that I would be a divorced Catholic, much less ever get married again. My therapist reminds me that after the annulment, the Church sees me as never having been married. So, marrying Marty is technically my first marriage. (My therapist is also a Deacon in the Church)
This has been a hurdle for me to get over. I have prayed and prayed for God to help me get over this hurdle. I finally feel like I've put the last 8 1/2 years behind me. It was a nightmare that is now over. It takes a lot to get over a spouse who suddenly hates you and leaves-- especially when you believed in the vows you made before God.
The holidays with my children and grandchildren were very hard. Every single time it was a reminder of our broken family. I'm okay now. God has shown me how he restores what is broken.
"I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmer work, my great army which I sent among you." ~Joel 2:25
Sean still lives with me after his graduation from College. He decided to stay when Marty moved in. Over the last 5 years, he and Marty have developed a really great relationship. He and Marty have done car projects, projects around the house and enjoy going to the gun range together, as well. It has done my heart well to see this. In the first 3 years, I was happy that his best friend's dad helped with his resume and other things where a son might need the help of a dad. Sean and his best friend were here for me and praying when I started my dating journey 3 1/2 years after C left.
All this to say that I have seen where God restores what is broken. I have developed a closer relationship with Sean through this trial. Every Sunday that we are home, we go to Mass together and on holy days, as well. I also believe that I have gotten closer to my oldest son and his wife through this, as well. My youngest is a blog entry for another time.
While I never lost faith, I feel like I have been going through the motions for the last 8 1/2 years. I know compared to many crosses, mine are light. I think it has been a dry period. I once told our current pastor that it has been hard to go to Mass seeing all the whole families - moms and dads with their kids. I felt like a failure and sometimes still do. It all stems from being a practicing Catholic and divorce being against my religion. I homeschooled my boys for 17 years using a devout Catholic curriculum and sometimes it feels like I have failed them. I never wanted my kids to have a broken family. Sighs.
What's this got to do with now? I want to do more than just go through the motions. I'm hoping that making a bigger effort to get out of the dry spell I've been in will help my faith life. I want to feel whole and normal again. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy and life is good. I've found a man who has taught me what it is to BE LOVED. It is honestly my brain and I need to get back to what I learned in Divorce Care-- I need to go back and remember who it is that God says I am.
For Lent, I am going to make sure to take time each day to remember who it is that God says I am. I want to reflect upon scripture and grow in His Word. Marty and I have also decided that we will also use Lent to do better with our diet. With his type 2 diabetes we NEED to do better. It is hard to eat healthy every day, so we thought Lent would be a good time to get in the habit-- for Jesus.
I know tat God can restore what is broken -- our spiritual life, relationships and even our health. I'm getting my house ready for the fasting and healthy eating and I'm going to find an app this weekend with daily Lenten reflections.
Restore me, O Lord.
