I Have a LOT to say. My Boys Have a Say, too.

I really like this I have a say campaign.  Fr. John Hollowell has been posting courageous stories of pro-life women (and their families) who have a say in response to Cecile Richards, CEO of Planned Parenthood, and her "I have a say" campaign. I've always been pro-life.  My heart aches for those who are pro-choice, for those who choose abortion.   I have a say..  Having two kids with genetic illnesses and  having had 18 pregnancy losses gives me a lot to say!

Little did I know that my pro-life views would be put to the test. I didn't  know back then what God would allow to happen or that it would draw me closer to Him and  the Catholic Church    After my third son was born, we lost our fourth child, who is buried in San Antonio. I was 14 weeks pregnant. We battled to keep his body.  It was a difficult time.  You can read about our journey with Thomas here. 

Around the same time as we lost Thomas, my middle son was diagnosed with a genetic disorder.  A few years, several pregnancy losses later, my youngest son was diagnosed with the same genetic disease.  In 2000, doctors felt my boys might be headed to bone marrow transplant.  My oldest, non-affected son was a perfect match for Sean, but my youngest, Joseph, did not have a sibling match.  Back in 2000, we were told that without a sibling donor, they would not consider Joseph for transplant because only 50% of the SDS kids with sibling transplants survived, and they had no survivors from unrelated transplants. That is when we entered the world of fertility treatment.

I still remember the look on the fertility specialist's face when we sat to talk to him.  I remember telling him that we would only opt for fertility treatments that were in line with the teachings of the Catholic Church.  He asked, "You already have three children why would you want more?"  When we explained that we had two sons with a genetic illness, he couldn't believe we wanted more and that we would CHOOSE to chance having another child with the same illness.

We had several more early losses and then we were blessed with twins.  At eight weeks, we saw their hearts beating.  One of the twin's had a slower heart rate and there was concern that the baby might not survive.  I was transferred to the care of a regular OB/GYN. (once a heartbeat is established, the chance of miscarriage is reported to be 2%, so a very low risk). We lost the twins when I was around 13 weeks.  After a few more tries and a few more losses, we decided that we'd just leave it to God.  We went through the roller coaster of fertility treatments for two years.  You can read about our twins here.

In 2006, the doctors felt that Joseph was headed to transplant again. This time, they felt the need was urgent, so they did a preliminary search of the bone marrow donor databases.  Joseph doesn't have a match - he was run against 6.5 million people and has no match.  He has a rare allele, B3901, and his alleles are combined in such a way that make his haplotype rare.  While both boys still have myelodysplatic bone marrow, the clone percentages have gone down and we continue to monitor their marrow for leukemic changes. We are at peace and know that God will provide.

We also lost several babies at home -- a wonderful priest friend helped us to bury one.  So many of our losses were very early-- 6-7 weeks and we didn't have bodies to bury.  The last pregnancy I lost in September of 2009, was probably the worst one for me psychologically.  We saw the heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks and really felt God was going to perform a miracle. The baby's heartbeat was a little slower than it should have been.  The doctors gave us hope that it could all be due to me having the wrong date.  Once the baby died, it was a month long trial and his body was reabsorbed by the time doctors decided inducing "labor" over an entire month wasn't working.  You can read about these precious ones here.

I used to be angry with women who chose abortions because they CHOSE to kill their babies, and I didn't have a choice. My babies died.  On the advice of a priest friend, I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat and came to realize that instead of anger, I should be compassionate. The women I met had an extra burden to carry-- they killed their children. The pain these women were living with humbled me.  I pray for the mothers who choose abortions.  Those women have a say-- and they said a lot to me.  They changed my life and enabled me to get back into pro-life work (a bit, I am still working on it!)

My husband and I  always thought we'd have a large family, but God had other plans.  My heart has been broken and mended (by God) and we have 19 little ones in heaven. Even with all of our losses, we choose not to use any form of contraception and are still open to life.  I think this is one thing that people often find to be amazing-- that we choose to be open to life even after all of the pain and loss. They can't believe that we still trust God with this "issue". We have been  blessed with each new life that God has allowed to be conceived.  He did not have to allow these babies to be conceived because He already knew them before he knit them in my womb.  We have been blessed because we have grown closer to God and to each other during these trials.  My husband has a say because he chooses not to use contraception, too.  My husband has a say because these precious babies of ours affected his life-- men also experience the loss of babies in the womb. My husband has a say because he is still open to life!

I pray for the mothers and fathers who don't understand how precious life is and what a MIRACLE being able to conceive and carry a child is.  Every single day of my life is different than it would have been had I been blessed with the miracle to carry those precious babies to term. My heart aches contemplating the women who do not see this precious, wonderful aspect of womanhood as a blessing! I am filled with joy when I see pregnant women or babies. Life is precious.  Life is a miracle.  The birth of a baby is a miracle. 

We have also been blessed beyond measure with two boys with chronic genetic illnesses.  We spend a lot of time in the hospital, clinics and at the doctor.  We do medical treatments at home.  We love them and would willingly accept ANY child God allows.  I pray that all those who support eugenics will come to realize that we all have genetic flaws...none of us is perfect, but we are ALL God's children and HE has a plan for each one of us. My boys have all brought great joys and blessings to my life.  I cannot imagine a world without Matthew, Sean or Joseph.   Certainly, the medical trials have been hard-- but it is there in those trials that we find Jesus Christ.  Sean and Joseph have a say because they are the ones Margaret Sanger wanted snuffed out!  They have a say because they are created in the image and likeness of God and are fulfilling HIS plan. 

I have a voice and I am going to use it! I have a say, my husband and my 3 boys have a say!  We are all pro-life, practicing Catholics!  Here comes the Catholic Church!  Our voices will WILL be heard as we each have our say.

John Paul and Our Last Little ones

At some point, we stopped naming the babies.  We never tried to have more children, but we didn't avoid it, either. Using NFP to avoid pregnancy really caused me psychological distress. Even to this day, I can't do it. The charting and temperature taking really make me crazy.  Charting to avoid something we wanted so much just made my emotional distress worse.  While I struggled with the fear of becoming pregnant and losing another baby, I could never bring myself to consciously avoid it... I tried, but the charting and awareness was just a daily reminder of the losses and it became a burden too heavy to carry. 

After stopping fertility treatments, we tried NFP for a while.  It may sound strange to many people to hear me say that NFP made me crazy. It truly depressed me and I couldn't cope with charting each and every day. It was a brutal reminder that we'd had so many losses and that pregnancy and my body just didn't seem to mix.  We gave it up.  Within a year, I was pregnant again.  This miscarriage was different than the others in that it happened suddenly. Chris was at work and I completely panicked.  I was about 7- 8 weeks and it was an ordinary day.  We were in the middle of school work and suddenly it happened.  Even though I'd seen Thomas' little body (I chose not to look at the twins in the little container they gave me), I didn't realize that at 7-8 weeks the baby would still be identifiable.  I mean, I knew, but I didn't "know"...we've all seen the pictures in books.  I'd had hope that it would be different, always believing that God could perform a miracle. I believe He still can, that is why we still don't use contraception.  A close priest friend helped us bury the body of the baby we named John Paul.  Again, I had a few more very early miscarriages at 6 or so weeks. 

In August of 2009, I found out I was pregnant again.  At 6 1/2 weeks, we saw the heartbeat.  The doctors checked my hormone levels and they were good at first.  The babies heartbeat wasn't as strong as it should be, and this had the doctors worried, but they felt it could be that I had the wrong date.  Ad the weeks went by, it was apparent the baby wasn't grown and the heartbeat wasn't becoming stronger.  The little one died when I was between 8-9 weeks.  The doctor felt I would miscarry just fine at home.  When I went to the doctor the following week, I thought I had miscarried and found out the baby was still in my womb.  The treatment was to induce labor using Misoprostol.  I took increasing amounts and after four weeks, still has a missed abortion.  The final ultrasound a month later, showed that the baby had been reabsorbed, but the amniotic sac was still intact.   I ended up having a D&E . Having thought I had completely miscarried followed by the month long ordeal of Misoprostol not working to complete the miscarriage took a toll.  Surprisingly, though, I seemed to pop back and life returned to normal until a year later when it hit me with the force of a major hurricane.

Here I am 2 1/2 years later...and I think I am okay. We continue not to use any form of contraception and are open to life.

Twins

After we found out Joseph didn't have a sibling match, we decided to seek help. We'd already had five pregnancy losses, and wanted to see if there was anything the fertility doctors could do. We were happy with the number of children we already had and at peace with God's plan for our family. We'd always wanted a large family, but until we found out Joseph didn't have a sibling match, we didn't feel compelled to seek treatment.  We knew we'd always wonder if there was more we could do to ensure Joseph had a sibling match, should Joseph need a bone marrow transplant. We found out in 2006, when doctors ran him brought he registry, that we were glad we'd given fertility treatments a try. Joseph doesn't have a match in the registry and our insurance no longer covers fertility treatments. (note: we only used treatments inline with Catholic Church teaching)

The treatments with oral meds were not very effective and we had several pregnancies and losses.  Once we started the combination of oral and injections, it was not long before we found out we were expecting twins. We really felt like everything was going to be okay. The doctors assured us the combination of oral drugs and injections improved my luteal phase defect and pregnancy would go smoothly. Around 2 months, an ultrasound showed both twins with heartbeats. Precious. One twin had a slower heartbeat and doctors were not sure that baby would survive, but we had hope and kept praying.

Once a heartbeat is established, there is only a 2% chance of miscarriage. The doctors felt seeing the heartbeats was a good sign and transferred me to my regular OB/GYN. We went on Joseph's Make A Wish trip and things were really going well until a month later.  I began spotting. After experiencing this same thing several years earlier when we lost Thomas, I was scared. I called and  begged the doctors to get me in for an ultrasound. I couldn't wait until my appointment the following week.

The doctor was rude. He walked into the room and said in a sarcastic tone,"You just couldn't wait until next week, could you?" I explained that I'd had ten pregnancy losses at this point and no, I couldn't wait. He apologized when he ultrasound showed both babies were dead. At that point, it really didn't matter if he was sorry or not.   Luckily, this time things went more smoothly and there was not a fight to keep their bodies for burial.  We were blessed that a priest named Fr. Joseph came to the hospital.  Our twins, Mary Elizabeth and Gary Christopher are buried here in Winston-Salem.  We don't know if they were boys or girls, those where the names we chose. 

It took me many years to recover from this (emotionally).  We stopped fertility treatment after a few more early losses.  We realized at this point that it probably wasn't God's plan for us to have a large family here on earth! 

Thomas

Back in 1998, we found out we were pregnant with our fourth child.  Our boys were 3, 2 and 11 months.  We were overjoyed.  Around 9 or 10 weeks, I went in and was able to see the heartbeat.  I still have the ultrasound pictures.  It is one of the most amazing things in the world-- to see the heartbeat of a little baby in the womb. I love being pregnant and I love babies. 

A month or so after the ultrasound, I began spotting.  I called he doctor and was told to rest and come in first thing in the morning. My husband and I prayed and asked family members to pray.  I remember siting in bed praying the rosary and begging God to make everything turn out okay.   My husband blessed me and the baby with St. Joseph's oil. Looking back, it was such a beautiful, prayerful time. Something that may sound strange to say, but it was.  We embraced God and later embraced the cross.  It was a really long night.  By the morning, I was pretty sure things were not going to be okay.  I was having heavier bleeding and lots of cramping.  I continued to pray for a miracle.

The doctor did an ultrasound and we were all silent.  You could see the baby's arms, legs, head...... and there was no movement.  No heartbeat.  The doctor told me that I needed to have a D & E and my first reaction was, "No, you cannot tear my baby apart!"   I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think.  He told us they had to do a higher frequency ultrasound to be sure there was no heartbeat.  When I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to have the D&E, he yelled at me, "Fine you can just hemorrhage and die, then."  He walked out.

My husband and I were in shock.  Surely they could do something so that we could protect our baby from being torn limb to limb?  We made calls to a few family members and headed down to have the second ultrasound done.   We had the same results.  Even in the quiet, still room, no heartbeat was found.  We sat in a waiting area and the doctor appeared. He apologized for having yelled.  He decided that they could induce labor so that Thomas could be "born" without being torn apart.  They would then perform the D&E. Once that was set, we had to do all of the paperwork and life became complicated.  They were not going to allow us to have his body because he wasn't yet 20 weeks.  Our priest refused to come out to the hospital and we battled alone.  One poignant moment, one I will never forget, was after a conversation with the social worker who continued to call the baby "tissue" "Product of conception".  I'd politely continued to refer to "the baby".  Finally, as she got up to leave and she said once again, "tissue".  I stood there in the lobby and screamed, "It is a BABY! Why can't you call it a BABY!?"

We won the battle and they had the pathologist come out to speak to us about the baby's body. We had brought Holy Water along with us to the hospital.  Just in case our worst fears were confirmed. The pathologist came to meet us and she agreed to give the baby a conditional baptism. We wanted everything to be conditionally baptized.  Afterward, she came to my husband and me to tell us how much our faith had touched her.

The labor was absolutely one of the worst things I have ever endured in my life.  They started the Pitocin and the labor pains were evil.  I suppose it seemed worse because there would not  be a live baby after the pains subsided. After the labor, they put me under for the D&E.  I awoke with a Protestant minister in my face wanting to pray.  He then asked if I wanted to see the baby.  I said okay, and to this day, I have nightmares.

Several days later, I was distraught when my milk came in and I had no baby to nurse. It took me a long time to recover emotionally.  Not that one ever recovers from such a thing, but God does give us the grace we need to go on living.   A baby never born made an mark on my heart and changed my life forever.

Walk to Remember - Heartstrings Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support

October 8, 2011 Heartstrings will be hosting their 7th Annual Walk to Remember at Triad Park in Kernersville.  For more information, check out this link:  Heartstrings Walk

This website has information for parents, physicians and counselors.  It might be uncomfortable to browse the website if you have experienced a loss. They have support meeting sessions that last 12 weeks. The sessions for this season started last month.