At some point, we stopped naming the babies. We never tried to have more children, but we didn't avoid it, either. Using NFP to avoid pregnancy really caused me psychological distress. Even to this day, I can't do it. The charting and temperature taking really make me crazy. Charting to avoid something we wanted so much just made my emotional distress worse. While I struggled with the fear of becoming pregnant and losing another baby, I could never bring myself to consciously avoid it... I tried, but the charting and awareness was just a daily reminder of the losses and it became a burden too heavy to carry.
After stopping fertility treatments, we tried NFP for a while. It may sound strange to many people to hear me say that NFP made me crazy. It truly depressed me and I couldn't cope with charting each and every day. It was a brutal reminder that we'd had so many losses and that pregnancy and my body just didn't seem to mix. We gave it up. Within a year, I was pregnant again. This miscarriage was different than the others in that it happened suddenly. Chris was at work and I completely panicked. I was about 7- 8 weeks and it was an ordinary day. We were in the middle of school work and suddenly it happened. Even though I'd seen Thomas' little body (I chose not to look at the twins in the little container they gave me), I didn't realize that at 7-8 weeks the baby would still be identifiable. I mean, I knew, but I didn't "know"...we've all seen the pictures in books. I'd had hope that it would be different, always believing that God could perform a miracle. I believe He still can, that is why we still don't use contraception. A close priest friend helped us bury the body of the baby we named John Paul. Again, I had a few more very early miscarriages at 6 or so weeks.
In August of 2009, I found out I was pregnant again. At 6 1/2 weeks, we saw the heartbeat. The doctors checked my hormone levels and they were good at first. The babies heartbeat wasn't as strong as it should be, and this had the doctors worried, but they felt it could be that I had the wrong date. Ad the weeks went by, it was apparent the baby wasn't grown and the heartbeat wasn't becoming stronger. The little one died when I was between 8-9 weeks. The doctor felt I would miscarry just fine at home. When I went to the doctor the following week, I thought I had miscarried and found out the baby was still in my womb. The treatment was to induce labor using Misoprostol. I took increasing amounts and after four weeks, still has a missed abortion. The final ultrasound a month later, showed that the baby had been reabsorbed, but the amniotic sac was still intact. I ended up having a D&E . Having thought I had completely miscarried followed by the month long ordeal of Misoprostol not working to complete the miscarriage took a toll. Surprisingly, though, I seemed to pop back and life returned to normal until a year later when it hit me with the force of a major hurricane.
Here I am 2 1/2 years later...and I think I am okay. We continue not to use any form of contraception and are open to life.