Confessions of an OCD Catholic

My youngest has OCD and I am here to tell you that the OCD apple doesn't fall very far from the tree. Oh how I wish it did.

Let's just say I've got low self-esteem with a touch of OCD thrown in. Most people who know me think I'm probably quite full of myself. I don't know. Truth is, I walk around thinking about my failures. A lot. This week has been especially hard with finding out just how noncompliant my youngest has been with his medical treatments. Makes a mom feel like quite a failure.

At some point last year, a priest told me I should confess by kind and number. That was a revelation for this Catholic mom, so I have been working on that... meaning... ahem, I work on my wordiness. Have I ever mentioned I talk? A lot. Then, I obsess that any amount of talking bothers people. Okay, I obsess, in general, about bothering people. Pretty much get to feeling my mere existence disturbs folks. It's me, not them.  I mean that. I'm always afraid that I'm a burden to people. I grew up with family members who frequently told me they hated me. So, while I get that is abnormal and other people aren't that way, it has always been a life long struggle!

What have I learned this last year? This is awesome..... are you ready for this? If the confessor needs more info, they ask. Another revelation. How freeing is that!? Just the facts ma'am.

So back to my confession stories. You know we've all been there, but no one ever goes around talking about what happens in the confessional. Seriously, who does that!? I do, sometimes... because it is an important part of our faith. Always humbling, sometimes very emotional, and many times, at least in my case, pretty darn funny. Not the confession part, my thoughts and reactions. The grace is amazing. It brings me to my knees in thanksgiving. Sometimes I cry because the grace is overwhelming. Sometimes I cry because I can't get over myself. Mostly the former.

Last month, I went to confession and the priest gave me a 5 day penance. My first thought was, "Dear Lord, how will I ever remember to do this between everything else?" My second thought was, "Dang,  five days? Was I that bad?"  Ahh... but the grace was amazing. The priest knew EXACTLY what I needed to do to get back on track with my life. I had really been struggling with certain areas of my life and my penance was perfect. Guided by the Holy Spirit.

I don't think any confession will ever beat the confession where the priest yelled at me so loudly that I KNOW the entire church heard. The only time I have ever slinked out of confession. I can still hear his voice. He meant well. I guess? I also love those times when people are complaining in the confession line and I wrack up more sins for my uncharitable thoughts.

This morning after Mass, I went to confession. I sat down and the lady in front of me told me that Father didn't have time to hear confessions today. I asked, "Oh, so he's not hearing them?" She remarked, "No, he just has an appointment and is in a hurry." I'd examined my conscience several times and I was ready. Then comes the overwhelming feeling that I am somehow imposing on his time because he has to get going. So I rattle through my sins.... listen, then said my act of contrition. A little faster than normal, but I think I annunciated the words and didn't stumble. Then comes the (in a very nice voice-emphasis on nice)- "I'm going to add something to your penance." My first thought was, "Oh my word, what have I done now!?" Father said very nicely something like, "After you leave here, I want you to go into the church and say your act of contrition again SLOWLY..." 

My first thought was, "I really suck because I can't even say I'm sorry correctly." I knelt and said the act of contrition at least five times. Really. The first time I thought it might have been too fast again. The second and third times I was preoccupied with the fact that I am a complete failure at confession and saying I'm sorry. The fourth time, I just started crying. I think I finally got it on the fifth (sixth) try. Then I cried all the way home.  I called a friend. I told you I had OCD because only would a crazy Catholic with OCD obsess over this.

What do I think the lesson was? Well, it wasn't "don't go to confession when you are emotionally raw and haven't slept in a few weeks." Once again, I learned that I really just need to get over myself. Ouch.  I was also reminded that we human beings are always in a hurry, worried about being late, have appointments but God isn't and doesn't. When we are in confession, we should never rush. It's God's time and we receive sanctifying grace in confession. I really should have slowed down and let that sanctifying grace soak in.

Typical Tuesday...Far from Perfect

It's a typical Tuesday at our house. Our counter usually looks like this with infusion supplies and a sharps container strewn about. Sometimes, it is worse!  It's the story of our life.

My middle son and I watched a homeschooling video this morning and I laughed and cried. It portrays the perfect homeschooling adventure. Our family's homeschooling video would be completely different. We are somewhere in the middle. Maybe. Just a little.

It is a struggle, trying to accept God's will for your life when you compare yourself to others. When our children were born, we had hopes and dreams..... we saw the homeschooling adventure in the video before us. It's wonderful for those families who live that dream. Sometimes, God has other plans. Yet, His will is perfect and while the adventure we've had isn't exactly what we dreamt it would be, I wouldn't change it for the world. God's version IS perfect. We've learned how to truly offer up our joys, works and sufferings to him. Most days, anyway.

Somewhere between the medications, infusions and hospital visits, we manage to homeschool. Our oldest graduated from Seton last year, never having been to regular school, and did well his first year at Belmont Abbey. Two more to go. God willing S will graduate next year and J the following year. Part of our homeschooling is transitioning them to adulthood with the ability to take care of all their own medical needs. This is proving to be the hardest part of our journey so far.

While our homeschool adventure is only a tad bit like the video below, this is an awesome video. Something I truly always dreamt ours would be. I am ever thankful that God makes up for where we are lacking..... and feel blessed that while not the best example of homeschooling, God called us to this way of life. He knew what He was doing when He put it on our hearts to homeschool our kids.



Seton Home Study School - Catholic Homeschooling from Two Sense Films on Vimeo.

How You Can Help Hobby Lobby at the Supreme Court on March 25

Dear friends, 

In 2012, it was my special honor serve as "Rally Captain" in Winston-Salem for the "Stand Up for Religious Freedom" campaign that hosted hundreds of rallies all over the country in opposition to President Obama's HHS Mandate. I'm writing today to ask for your special help supporting the cause of religious freedom when the U.S. Supreme Court hears oral arguments in two critical cases next week. 

On March 25, the U.S. Supreme Court will hear arguments in Sebelius v. Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood Specialties v. Sebelius -- the first two cases on the HHS Mandate to reach the high court. The HHS Mandate is one of the most controversial parts of Obamacare. It forces employers to provide FREE abortion inducing drugs in their health plans -- without any regard to religious or moral objections. 

The Green family, owners of Hobby Lobby, and the Hahn family, owners of Conestoga, are standing for ALL of us who cherish religious freedom by challenging the HHS Mandate in court. So where do you come in? There are THREE ways you can support the Green and Hahn families when their cases go before the court: 

1. Attend a prayer vigil and rally at the Supreme Court on March 25. If you can't be there yourself, let all your friends and family in the area know about it. Here are the details:

 EVENT: Vigil and Rally at the Supreme Court WHEN: Tuesday, March 25, 9:30-11:30 a.m. WHERE: U.S. Supreme Court, 1 First St NE, Washington D.C. 

The Rally will take place on First Street, right in front of the court steps. You can get a map and more details here: http://standuprally.com/2014/march25

2. Spread the word about these important cases and the religious freedom issues involved through every channel: email, Facebook, Twitter and your personal blog or other website. Forward this email to all your contacts, and find Facebook graphics to share, a link to the Facebook event for the rally, hashtags, sample tweets right here:

 http://standuprally.com/2014/march25 

 3. Keep the Green and Hahn families, all their attorneys and the Supreme Court justices hearing their cases in your prayers over the coming days before the oral arguments. Thank you for doing your part to support the cause of religious freedom as these two critical cases go before the Supreme Court on March 25. 

Sincerely, 

Pattie Curran 

3 Antibiotics at a Time

Having immune compromised kids means we battle infections. All the time. 

J started antibiotics 10 days ago for a sinus infection. 4 days in, he developed a skin infection in spite of the fact the antibiotic he was on covered most skin infections. We added a second antibiotic last week. 

His neutropenia and neutrophil chemotaxis issues cause dental problems. Because a medication he takes for his neurogenic bladder adds to the dental problems, we have to bring him every three months. Because he is immune compromised, he has to take antibiotics before dental cleanings or procedures. Because the two he was already on don't cover dental work, he took a third one this morning. 

Here's what his toe looked like while already on an antibiotic. No entry wound found and keep in mind he's had four surgical procedures on his great toes so there's no ingrown toenail.